Ever wake up to the sounds of war. It's loud. Destruction all over. The sounds of yelling and torture coming from the room next door. You can hear it at a far distance when you are deep asleep. You hear it getting louder and louder as you start to wake up. Your reality starts to crash into you. You realize you are no longer in the comfort of your own mind and safety of your dreams. You slowly start to wake up and the noises get louder and louder and the fear starts to slam into you. Holy shit they are coming for you. You are next they are about to bust your door down. Your heart starts to raise faster and faster and there's nowhere to hide. They will find you. You are so screwed. in 2 secs your door slams open and before you can react. They attack.
Yep it's Sunday morning and your twin toddlers are up at the crack of dawn. I only use the war analogy because somedays it is the easiest way to describe the shit that goes down in my house. It's a war zone up in here and many days we are lucky to have gotten through the day without a casualty. I sit and wonder how in the world do 2 almost 5 year olds make so much noise. Such a fucking mess in their wake. The amount of finger prints on the hole damn house. I have toys coming out of my ass. Like how in the world did we acquire so much shit for 2 tiny humans?. I never felt this way with my oldest. He is 15 almost 16. You can imagine my shock at the huge difference that 2 toddlers are. Then I sit and think "HOLY SHIT" their poor teachers. How the hell do they survive, not just my toddlers but a shit ton of little monsters? I mean angels. All children are angels. Yep must send those chicks a gift basket for each classroom.
I often wonder maybe I just wasn't cut out for this motherhood bullshit. Don't get me wrong I love my kids with a fierce passion. But I fail on a daily basis. I had to accept that nope I am not going to rock this. It isn't as easy as I once thought. I use to be a working mom before the twins. Loved having friends and working with the public. I was an individual. I loved my life. But I always felt like I wanted more. I wasn't happy missing my sons school events sorry honey mommy has to work. Or running onto that football field for his practice in my high heels and slacks as I was coming straight from work. I never missed one practice or game. But we ate a lot of drive thru meals. I felt like such a failure. By the time practice was done I figured ok. Lets run home and rush through homework, dinner, bath, and bedtime. I'd hit the couch and crash. Next day was back to the rat race. I wanted to more children. So we went ahead and tried. I will not give all the details as that part of my life had it's own blog. But IVF was my only option. We had the twins and I was so excited to be a stay at home mom. Fast forward to today........
I honestly do not think I was cut out for this. I struggled hard through infancy. Then they had delays and the amount of therapy sessions. Now we have cancer. Ah yes the story could never be complete without another curveball. One of the twins was diagnosed with leukemia in December. He however is doing amazing through his treatment. He responded well to it and things are amazingly great for him. His hair has started to fall out, but he's a total champ about it. But let me continue on my rant... Yes because I am a complete drama queen and it's all about me. You'll catch that and the sarcasm that comes with it. The piles of laundry.... The fucking dishes, the dogs need walking (they need diet they got fat), I can not remember when I vacuumed last (maybe I should do that today...), Oh lawd I can not remember when I scrubbed the toilets last.... I am a complete hot fucking mess. I can not get the kids to school on time. I never volunteer for class things. At times I am the last mom in the carpool lane (but I had to get to crossfit so it's ok right? Yep I am a fucking cult member). I forget to sign permission slips for tasting food in class. I have to answer to my almost 5 year old as to why I didn't let him eat the food. I mean I cannot say because your mom is a fuck up and forgot to sign your shit. In fact she probably tossed it with that cute art you made. You know the art. The 1millionth piece of art you just no longer have room for. I have so much more to say but SHIT I don't hear them anymore.... That's never a good sign EVER..... It's like run bitch find them fast!!!!!
Did I mention my MOTHER IN LAW lives with us.....? yeah
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